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A Letter for Johnny

My dearest,

I can feel it, a new door is about to open, which means that an old door must be closed. And it scares me. Just the thought of shutting my life off the things that I got used to makes my soul cringe. The thought of having to let you go writes down a pang of loneliness. No, I can’t—but I have to. There are things that we have to have done—actually, the entire things.

I don’t want to forget you. And not wanting to forget you scares me a lot. For it might come to a point that I’m gonna be hugging someone, yet hugging you; kissing someone, yet kissing you; saying “I Love You”, yet thinking of you.  Unfair for both my lover and me, right? But how can I get rid of the thoughts of you when even your simplest laughs are etched in my heart? Why does it have to end? You’ll find someone, I’ll find someone. I can accept that–living our own separate lives. What I can’t accept is the fact that no matter how much I try to do something about my future, there’s this one past that will always remind me of how innocent love feels. For now, I can only sigh. Because you are an emotional scar–you are permanent.

Yes, I can promise you that I will always be thinking of you; on my wedding day, my first delivery, my silver anniversary, my golden anniversary, and even on the last day of my life. I will always be thinking of how things could have turned out had it been the two of us. Please don’t get me wrong–I will love my own family more than anything else. But you, you will always have that special space in my heart that no one would ever replace. You are my first love, how could I ever forget a single memory with you?

That song was true all along, that the heart never forgets. I will always love you. It’s just that, maybe, this is how first love usually ends.  Take care.




About ljtakashi

It's really hard to define one's self, right?

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